Captain Negativity, Esquire

CRACK!!! Mmmm-MMMMM!

2005-11-28T15:49:00.000-05:00

Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin was arrested in beautiful Plano, Texas for speeding, outstanding speeding tickets and ohh, wait, POSSESSION OF DRUG PARAPHENALIA! Hahaha! Now it makes sense why you were such a vocal supporter of TO - you were smoking that rock! He claims that he picked up a friend from rehab and his friend left the pipe in his car. Yeaahhhhh, that makes complete sense, they release you from rehab with a pipe in your hand. I love it. TO gets another smack down from the arbitrator last week and the cockroach Cowboy Irvin who was up TO's butt the whole time gets busted for being cracked up.

This demonstrates that there really is a God. I offer this parable as further proof. Troy Aikman dies and goes to heaven. He meets God inside the gates and God takes Troy to where he will live in heaven. Troy sees a very nice mansion nestled in the clouds that is completely decked out in Green Bay Packers regalia. Troy asks God whose house that is and God replies that Brett Favre had just passed away the week before and that is Brett's house. God escorts Troy to his heavenly mansion which is tactfully decorated with Cowboys gear. Troy is eccstatic with his eternal home until he notices the house next door. It's far bigger than any other one in heaven and it's gaudily covered in Eagles' green. Troy annoyedly whines to the Lord "God, why do I have to live next door to Donovan McNabb? The Eagles were always my arch rivals!" God laughs and replies, "Oh no, that's not Donovan's house, that's mine." God is an Eagles fan after all.

PS - PA Senator Arlen Spector is a flaming idiot too. He weighed in on the TO saga and said that he was going to use his senatorial power to investigate whether what the Eagles were doing is against federal antitrust law. ARE FUCKING SERIOUS? We have a few other problems in the country and your home jurisdicition, you retard. Perhaps you should focus on some real issues. At least you won't get reelcted by Eagles fans.

Give Thanks

2005-11-23T15:49:00.000-05:00

THANKSGIVING SCHEDULE
Well, it's only one day until one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving, aka Gorge-o-fat-football-pie day. Seriously, I love Thanksgiving. I don't have anything to do, no pressure. The only thing on scheduled on my calendar is eating. That's awesome. Anonymous Roommate is brave enough to jump into the fray with my insane family. I've already fitted him with a helmet and a false tooth cap with cyanide in it. He'll get to see where I get it from.

FIRST COURSE
Most people don't eat until 3 or 4. Not my family. The time is always set by my uncle at 1 pm. Invariably, at 12:30, he calls to tell us that the shrimp cocktail is out and we'd better get there before he eats them all. As soon as we get in the door we begin eating the appetizers. That lasts for about 45 minutes.

REST PERIOD 1
We all then lug ourselves to the family room. In years past, we had to watch my uncle's old tv that was so shot that the entire picture was opposite colors. For instance, a football field was purple and the sky was green, sometimes pink. You were never quite sure what team you were watching because the colors were so far gone. The TV was like that for years but then he decided to buy a huge 60" HD TV to finally replace it. Unfortunately, he's technologically retarded. He has this top of the line TV, but didn't hook up the HD to it because it meant he would have to have another remote to figure out. However, it's much better than it was. We rest for about 20 minutes to digest the 15 pounds of appetizers that we have each eaten.

MAIN COURSE 1
After the twenty minute respite, we lumber into the dining room for the first go round at the turkey. We load up our plates with obscene amounts of food from the 15 different dishes that are available. My uncle keeps score of who takes the most food and then makes fun of that person. Not much conversation takes place because everyone is gorging so much. Gradually, people drop out of the who-can-eat-the-most race and watch the remaining competitors. It usually comes down to my uncle and I, but I have taken the title for several years now.

REST PERIOD 2
Now we roll ourselves out of the dining room and fight for a seat on the furniture. It sucks to get beat out and have to sit on the floor. Most of us fall asleep while my grandmother rambles on about how her friends worship her. This lasts for about an hour.

DESSERT
Coffee is brewed and the 14 pies come out. We go back into the dining room and load up on 2-3 slices of pie and cheesecake. My grandmother continually makes comments of how it all just "melts in your mouth." At this point, there's a bit more conversation so we begin to bring up old family stories, such as mocking my uncle about his gay roommate Leon from college. These stories are too bizarre to try to explain, so I'll just leave it to your imagination.

REST PERIOD 3
Once again, we rest because our intestines are now crying from the amount of food shoved into them.

MAIN COURSE 2
A few brave souls now ignore the pained cries of their internal organs and head back to kitchen. The turkey and trimmings are scavenged as if they were attacked by a pack of African wild dogs. The party then breaks up and the families go home.

MAIN COURSE 3
When we get home, my mother usually has made another turkey which we slice up just for sandwiches. We have 2-3 more sandwiches before we black out. Sweet dark silence . . .

DAMN, I'M THANKFUL.

Bad Day

2005-11-22T18:04:00.000-05:00

So you go out and get hammered. You make it home and you're very proud that you didn't "break the seal." You pass out an dream about swimming in warm tropical waters with beautiful women. Then you wake up and realized that you've wet the bed with the force of 10 fire engines. Well, you've gotta dry that bad boy. There's no better way to do that than with fire, right?

This story reminds me of what can happen if you have a night of partying like Anonymous Roommate 2 had this weekend. At least he didn't burn the place down, but I'm sure he had the potential to do it.

ROCK!!

2005-11-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

Your Band Name is:

The Bald Hussies

Band Name Generator

Damn right

2005-11-21T15:23:00.000-05:00

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

My 1920's name

2005-11-21T15:16:00.000-05:00

Your 1920's Name is:

Denver Americo

What's Your 1920's Name?

Make yourself more irrelevant

2005-11-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Jesse Jackson:

I guess since Johnny Cochran is dead, TO went looking for another outrageous black man to speak on his behalf. Where did he go? To you, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. I'm assuming that you are deeply angered at how the Eagles are treating TO. You're just amazing. Why the F are you involving yourself with TO? I mean really, did you just have nothing to do at home? Did you beat Madden '06 and wanted more football in an altered reality? My guess is that you just finished your weekly sermon early and felt that he needed to stand up for a poor beleaguered brotha. A man that couldn't speak for himself and was so downtrodden that he was in desperate need of the good Reverend's help. No Jesse, don't go help homeless people or anyone that actually needs it. Help an obnoxious, destructive and self absorbed guy who gets paid millions of dollars to catch a fucking football.

And why are you a still Reverend? Exactly what time is your church service this Sunday? Ohhhh, that's right, all you do is go around the country and jump into any black scandal to get your oddly shaped face on TV - because that's what God wants you to do. No, that's alright, don't help someone who needs it. You are a joke and any self respecting African American should not want anything to do with you. You and TO should exchange theories on obnoxious self-promotion and then maybe form a cult.

Peace Be With You,
The Cap'n

Cowboys and Indians

2005-11-16T10:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, it was actually Raiders and Broncos, but who cares? This past Sunday's game between Oakland and Denver was broadcast in Navajo Indian! Are you serious? Who speaks Navajo and happens to be a Raiders fan? This makes me want to rip my face off. Can we be more politically correct? Perhaps we should start by making Washington change their name from the Redskins to the Drunken Injuns. Actually, you know what would be the best thing? If all football announcers (Merrel Reese aside) broadcast the games in sign language so I don't have to listen to their insufferable and retarded banter during the entire game.

Pink Power

2005-11-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

The University of Iowa is amazing. Okay, it's not really that amazing. In fact, I'm not sure if anything in Iowa is amazing. But they do have something fantastic at their football stadium. Their visitor's locker room is entirely pink. Carpet, walls, lockers, even toilets - all pretty in pink. To me, this is brilliant psych-out technique to use on other teams. The locker room has incorporated pink in some manner for decades, but this past off season, they decided to make it more pink. Now there is nothing in that room that is not adorned in a shade of light rose. Well, this is just causing a huge fuss. ESPN.com reports that "Critics [angry lesbians] say the use of pink demeans women, perpetuates offensive stereotypes about women and homosexuality, and puts the university in the uncomfortable position of tacitly supporting those messages." NO IT DOESN'T. They didn't put it up so that a visiting team will walk and suddenly feel masoginistic or have a strong desire to oppress gay people. I can guarantee you that doesn't happen. Football teams feel that already - long before they ever suit up in a pink locker room. The point is that a team will walk in and say "what the fuck?!?!?" It gets in their heads. It's a distraction. It's simply brilliant.

The best defense that the football team could proffer would be to say that the pink is meant to show support for breast cancer research. They're not trying to demean women, they're trying to help women. Seriously, they could probably pull this off because there are so many pieces of crap that are pink for breast cancer - from kitchen blenders to christmas ornaments.

This brings me to my final point. Why is there so much support for breast cancer? I mean, it's terrible and all, but why can't there be support for testicular cancer? It's just as cancerous as breast cancer and kills lots of men. Why can't men have their own month and pretty ribbons? Hmmmm? Ahh, I get it. We don't have it because all women are trying to keep men down and perpetuate unreasonable male stereotypes. You know what? Screw you and your pink boob ribbons. Our jewels are necessary for procreation and we don't get shit. God, I feel so oppressed. I think I'm going to go and protest something.

I knew it!

2005-11-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

After many years of research, someone else ended up proving my theory that black people love us. Damn, that was going to be my first novel. Oh well.

WTF?

2005-11-10T18:24:00.000-05:00

Corporations Professor Dean John Beckerman on an ad from the Wall Street Journal regarding a corporate proxy fight:

"This encompasses everything except running around at night in rubber underwear and having sex with five year olds."

That's the kind of corporation I need to work for.

Hit Him on the Cell

2005-11-07T19:29:00.000-05:00

I HATE TO. I called him to express my sentiments. What, what? How did I call him? No, it wasn't just in my mind where I was driving a Ferrari through space full of hot ladies. No, Anon Roommate 2 received his digits over the Easternet. Here they are

610-764-6453
AND
484-482-7007

They're real number and I actually called him. You should too. Tell him that you've got his mom prisoner and you're going to kill her. Actually, he probably won't care about that because it's not about him. Maybe you should tell him you've stolen the huge statue of himself from out of his house and you're going to break it into 1 Million pieces. Or maybe just tell him HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

More Mystery

2005-11-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

God Speaks in Mysterious Ways

2005-11-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

I knew it!

But he hates Puerto Ricans.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

2005-11-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

Other rejected slogans
"No Rubble, Just Gay Men's Stubble"
"It's Nicer without the Floating Corpses"
"Less Black People Per Square Mile"
"Louisiana is for Looters"

The War Rages On

2005-11-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

That's right, the age old battle continues. The war that has plagued modern society for countless centuries refuses to die. Alligators vs. Snakes. The latest gory results from this conflict were discovered by U.N. Emissaries early last month in the Florida Everglades. Apparently, a 13-foot Burmese Python fought with an American Alligator in the swamp. The snake must have gotten the upper hand because it began to swallow the gator whole, as snakes are apt to do. Scientists believe that the gator must have still been fighting as it entered the snake's stomach because when the python had the gator half way down, it promptly exploded. Yes, IT BLEW UP.

I can only hope that this tragedy will spur the ongoing hostility cessation negotiations between the gators and the snakes. Nobody wins in this terrible game. Give peace a chance!

UPDATE! UPDATE!
The Snake-Gator Peace Summit has broken down with yet another tragedy. It seems that the lead gator negotiator was grieviously offended by something muttered by a python delegate. Rather than handle this through the proper diplomatic channels, the gator bit the snake in half. This conflict is almost as bad as the Middle East. There really just can't be peace between these two sides without understanding. What a shame.

Common Sense and the Law

2005-11-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

Anonymous Roommate 2 stirred up a new level of rage in me last night. He's externing (read - stealing credits) this term with the NJ Supreme Court and he told me about a case that they're now considering. In this fine state, the taxpayers contribute to a fund which disperses monies to residents injured in auto accidents caused by uninsured motorists, since they inherently can't pay for damages.

So the Supreme Court received an appeal from Uylesses Caballero, who was an injured passenger in an accident with an uninsured motorist. In the trial court, he was denied recovery from the uninsured motorist fund and the appellate division reversed in his favor. So what's the issue? Hmmmm? Oh, just that Mr. Caballero is AN ILLEGAL ALIEN. He doesn't pay taxes, he works unlawfully, oh and HE'S NOT IN THE COUNTRY LEGALLY. Oh sure, here, take my money Senor Sanchez.

This is absurd that the Supreme Court is even taking the time to consider this case. He doesn't contribute to the fund, he has completely ignored our system of laws, yet he still wants the protection of those laws. Sorry, in this case, that's a privilege, not a right. I have yet to read the bench memo from the Court yet, but I know enough about this to rule on it. You have absolutely no standing in the U.S. Courts. If you refuse to attempt to be here legally, then you don't get any benefits of the system. I'd love to see how long a New Jersey citizen would have to wait to collect from the Mexican government if they were similarly injured. If we open the door to this guy, then there is a huge slippery slope behind it that will escalate claims by illegals for everything.

Anon Roomie 2 (a filthy democrat) was quite traumatized by this case because he took my stance, which he described as horrifically republican. It's not republican, IT'S COMMON FUCKING SENSE. This guy should have gone to California, because those geniuses allow illegal aliens to get drivers licenses and receive the benefits of in-state tuition deductions. (I hate California)

The appeal is denied. Now limp back to Mexico, Generalissimo Burrito.
IT IS SO ORDERED.

Can't get 'nuf of prison

2005-10-21T09:53:00.000-04:00

Some people just don't deserve to live. I think that all U.S. states should unite and make an across-the-board revision to their criminal statutes. In cases involving less that intelligent defendants, the jury should be required to render a decision on whether or not the defendant is too stupid to live. This should stand as an exception to the general rule in those states which do not have a general death penalty.

Case in point: In Oklahoma City District Court, Defendant Eric Torpy pled guilty to charges of armed robbery and shooting with the intent to kill. The DA and Torpy's counsel worked out an agreed upon sentence recommendation of 30 years imprisonment, which the Judge accepted. However, Torpy wasn't quite satisfied with this number. As he was being led from the court room, he asked the Judge if he could make a statement regarding his sentence. The Judge consented and Torpy asked the Judge to reconsider his jail term. You see, Mr. Torpy is a big sports fan, specifically, he's a huge Larry Bird fanatic. He asked the Judge if his sentence could be changed from 30 years to 33 in order to pay homage to Larry who wore that number during his basketball career. The Judge obliged Torpy's request and added 3 more years to his sentence. "He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," District Judge Ray Elliott said. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be."

In my opinion, this guy should be hung by the neck until dead from the rafters of the Boston Garden, right next to the banner retiring Larry Bird's number. The prison system should not have to bear the expense of housing this idiot for 3 years longer because he's a Celtics fan. Guess what, the Celtics suck and so do you. Maybe Larry Bird should just be allowed to choke you to death for abusing his name. This story made my IQ drop 10 points.

Moral: If you're a complete idiot and you're about to be sentenced to jail, you'd better hope you're not a Gretzsky fan.

Bears love it too!

2005-10-20T19:23:00.000-04:00

There is now verifiable proof of exactly why Yogi Bear was always hunting for picnic baskets. He wasn't just a petty thief. No, the poor bastard was just high as a kite and he had an insatiable desire to eat huge quantities of Doritos and hot dogs. Caster Wyoming's Star Tribune reports that police officers were chasing a rogue black bear when it ran directly into a backyard marijuana operation. He was just running to get a fix. The bear apparently tried to purchase a dime bag from an undercover officer and when squad cars appeared to arrest him, he took off. The bear didn't believe that the humans could catch him and since the streets were too hot, he galloped into a weed field to pillage a quick high. Unfortunately for the two proprietors of the ganja farm, the po-pos were able to track the furry tractor right into the sticky-icky crop. When one of these poor farmers saw the law men, he tried to discard of some of the plants by throwing them over a fence. An officer on the other side of the fence fortuitously discovered the thrown plant when it hit him in the face.

Moral of the day - make sure you keep your herb away from bears because they'll get you busted every time.

** - as proof that the criminal justice system is flawed, the bear was subsequently denied a right to a fair trial and was captured and shot dead.

Awesome Laws, Episodio Tres

2005-10-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in a effort to curb "girlie behavior."
-Staten Island, NY Code
(The usuage of these words is perfectly acceptable in an effort to curb a son's desire to "get it on" with other "faggots")

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
-Kansas Statute
(Motorboats provide hunters with too much protection from the deadly aquatic rabbits, which eliminates the element of sport required in hunting)

One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless six or more similarly dyed ducklings are also offered for sale.
-Kentucky Statute KRS 436.600
(The statute actually covers all colors of dye, not just blue and it also applies to rabbits, with the execption of deadly aquatic rabbits, which are already blue)

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of an Native American Indian attack.
-Maine Statute
(Pistols just won't cut it, you need shotguns to cut down those crazy Injuns in a house of God)

Intoxication within a mine is punishable by up to one year imprisonment.
-Wyoming Statute
(Damn! And I was planning on drinking underground on Saturday)

WSOBP: GET IN!

2005-10-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

Since I missed out on the World Beard and Moustache Championships, I needed to find another awesome competition to enter. I have found the top of the mountain, the World Series of Beer Pong. First off, you know it's good because they call it pong instead of Beirut. I guess the Beirut moniker had popularity in the 80's when the name carried meaning, but I can guarantee you that if you took a survey of people who are actively playing beer pong at the moment, the majority wouldn't understand the significance. It would be like calling it Baghdad, which wouldn't really be terribly pleasant. Unfortunately, this survey probably not really a good indicator because most people who are undefeated in serveral rounds of pong may not be able to spell their own names, thanks to Miluakee's Best.

Pong is really one of the greatest games in the history of the planet. Where else can you get fiercely competitive in an activity that involves ping pong balls and rules such as "no blowing"? The bpong.com site is also great because it boasts a full complement of rules for many variations of the game, so you can easily standardize your house rules using this authoritative source. The online beer pong games are also amazing.

So who's in? The contest is in the beginning of January in Mesquite, Nevada and the grand prize is only 10 large. 3 days, 120 kegs, and you. Get in! No blowing!!! Except for the ladies, ohhhh yeah. Pong on.

The Hottest Game This Christmas!

2005-10-11T16:01:00.000-04:00

Hey Kids!!!

2005-10-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

BRING IT ON!

2005-10-07T14:39:00.000-04:00

That's right, ain't noboy going to take Karl Heinz-Hille out da game. Nobody! What am I talking about? If you don't know, then you're probably not even cool enough for me to to tell you. I guess I'll let you in on the coolest thing you've ever heard about. It's the World Beard and Moustache Championships. There are multiple categories in beards, 'staches, goatees and crazy freestyle combinations thereof.

Karl Heinz is the reigning international champion and the President of the elite Berlin beard club. He's the one pimped out on the right in the picture above. In the picture at left, he's demonstrating his trademark "crazy eye" which has lead him to many victories world wide. The actual contest took place on October 1st, but the results have not made their way out from the depths of darkest Germany to the rest of the world. Once I know if Karl Heinz is victorious, I'll report it. Otherwise, I'll write about how he's coming to punch you in the stomach and rip out your lungs. Run! Go! Get to the chopper!

LEGO ME

2005-10-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

In case my loyal readers (those who do not know me) wanted to know what I look like, I provided you with several true to life action shots of myself - in lego form . . .

This is what I look like at work. I keep my alter ego The Cap'n in check as much as possible. Multitasking like a mofo, I'm looking important holding a law book during cigarette breaks.

This is what I look like before a night out. I have to have my gun handy in case I meet anyone from the list of people I hate. And I also might have to rob someone for more drinking money.

This is my alter ego, Captain Negativity. I fight for great justice, just with a pessimistic spin. I can never be without my turkey leg of power and delicious cigarettes.

Do you want to be a lego? Then go here.

Law n' Sausages

2005-10-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

My professor can't draw diagrams to save his life. He's trying to teach us about insurance regulations by drawing a large green sausage on the board. Those of you who know me might think I am seeing sausages where there are none because they are so delicious. THAT'S NOT TRUE. He's actually referred to this fascinating diagram as the "state law sausage." Are you serious? How the fuck am I supposed to type that into my notes on my computer (if I were taking notes)? Not only does your class suck and your drawings blow, but now all I can think of is some grilled kielbasa and spicy mustard. Godddamn you.

On a lighter note, I would like to draw your attention to the picture here. These are chinese sausages. Note that they are linked together like numchucks. What a delicious weapon. Those Chinese are so smart! That's meatnormous.

I pay attention good

2005-10-06T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm really over this whole law school thing. At this point, it just gets in the way of taking naps or making money. I'm tired of paying attention to this crap, or even trying to pay attention. I'm tired of reading horribly boring cases where I could have written a better decision than the judges did themselves. I think the only reason I go to class now is to people watch and mock my uglier to dumber classmates. We've got plenty of those.

One of the particularly brilliant shining stars is a 55+ woman - we'll call her Ursula the Sea Hag. That's not even close to her name, but it should conjur up a perfect image of what this mess looks like. She's short and horrid but for whatever reason, she still thinks she's built like a 25 year old. She wears low rise jeans and her granny thongs creep out them in front of you in class. She also thought it was a good idea to wear a shirt tied off above her navel the other day. At least I think it was a navel - it was in the middle of a mess of wrinkly rolls barrelling over her low rise jeans. Uhhhhhh. I just threw up in my mouth.

Ursula is also a flaming idiot. Last week, she felt it would be intelligent to post lyrics from a Kanye West song to our Health Law class discussion board. Let me explain something to you . . . Kanye West has ZERO relevance to law school. Aside from the fact that the poor bastard has just been trying to get registered for undergrad through his 2 past albums. Posting an entire song's worth of lyrics does not make you hip or smart. It makes you creepier. You should also realize that when you post this crap, it gets automatically sent to my email. I don't need to waste my valuable personal time deleting what you think is interesting. I waste enough of my life listening to your inane comments in the classroom. Thank you.

Crack Law

2005-10-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

Anonymous Co-Worker, aka Rusty Panama, left an amazing comment to one of the posts regarding our crackhead secretary. The story goes like this: The secretary (hereinafter "crack whore") constantly calls lawyers and courts while at work trying to get more money from her baby daddy (for crack) or put him in jail or make him love her. Rusty overheard the following exchange of the crack whore while she was at work yesterday. Apparently, the crack whore's baby daddy - a 40+ year old guy who still thinks his band can make it - called the IRS to report the crack whore for illegally witholding tax funds from the federal government. So the whore takes it upon herself to call one of her stable of ambulance chasing craptacular lawyers for a consultation about this. What was her solution to the problem? Hmmmm? She wanted the lawyer to draft a contract where the baby daddy gives up all rights and claims to custody of their crack child. If the baby daddy did not execute this proposed contract and surrender all rights and privileges, she would call the IRS and report him! Ha HA! Take that! The lawyer's response to this is unknown, but in response to whatever he told her she said "But isn't there some legal way to do it?"

No, there's no legal way. People like you should not be allowed to take advantage of the legal system at all. Your child should be taken from you because you don't seem to realize that she's a little girl and not a bargaining chip for more money to buy rock. You should be locked away in a hole and never permitted to use legal terminology or even the word legal again. Oh, and have fun when the IRS arrest you. Maybe you can draw up a contract to arrest them when they try to arrest you. Now there's a solution!

At Bat Music

2005-10-05T09:56:00.000-04:00

While watching the Yunkees beat the Angels last night, I began to ponder music. For those in my audience who are unaware, pro ball players select a song to be played in the stadium for when they walk up to the plate to bat. I decided that I should prepare a list of songs, just in case the Fightin' Phils call me up to play 1st base tomorrow. Here goes:

1. Dr. Feelgood, Motley Crue - this just rocks and chicks love to feel good, know what I'm sayin'?

2. Robot Rock, Daft Punk - it would be seriously awesome to do the robot out to the batters box instead of just walking like a loser.

3. My Niggahs, DMX - just so all the attendees of color will identify with me - "Dat's my niggah!".

4. Anything by Metallica - I would just need to be careful not to get too pumped because I might actually beat the catcher with the bat instead of the ball.

5. I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston - this one is just so everyone at the stadium goes "what the fuck" and then are left feeling uncomfortable and slightly gay for a few minutes.

Batter up!

NJ: Bully of the United States

2005-09-30T13:15:00.000-04:00

What are you looking at? Nothing, huh? That's right. This article is fantastic. I clearly illustrates the old maxim of "If you mess with Dirty Jers, you'll get face stabbed." It's the toughest state in the Union. Despite what Anonymous Girlfriend says, NJ would definitely win in a fight with Texas. NJ drives an IROC, blaring Bon Jovi while drinking toxic waste. Don't even think about it. The article also aptly points out that Austin, TX is not really part of Texas. It's a hideout for liberal freaks who can read - totally unlike the rest of the state.

The point of this post is to demonstrate that, as a born n' bred resident of NJ, I am necessarily tougher than other people from other states. My current home is Cherry Hill, just left of the hypodermic needle in the picture. Seriously, the needle is actually there, check your road atlas. It's pretty cool. But that damn mustache makes rush hour a nightmare. So next time you want to make an argument that you or your state or fake country (Canada) are better than me, I'll have NJ shank you with a little toxic waste.

Doesn't get much better than this

2005-09-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

Ha HA!

2005-09-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

*
*
*
*
*
*
I knew there was a reason why I enjoy delicious cigarettes so much! Those laser traps are deadly! More deadly than cancer.

I'll fight it, but I'll let it live...

2005-09-30T09:44:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I embark on a dangerous mission . . . surf fishing off Island Beach, NJ. I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. The Jaguar Shark. Do you think it remembers me? I was going to find it and kill it, possibly with dynamite. But I have now legally sworn that I will not kill this beast.

I have compiled all the necessary gear for my hunt of the rare Jaguar Shark. I have beer, whiskey, music, boots, a fishing pole, a pistol, my Zissou Society ring and of course, my red cap and Speedo. I must be careful tonight. This shark did eat my best friend, Esteban. I want revenge.

I promise that when I find it, I'll fight it, but I'll let it live . . . now what about my dynamite?

Moment of Zen

2005-09-28T10:17:00.000-04:00

That's Right, Bitches!

2005-09-28T10:14:00.000-04:00

Awesome Laws, Part II

2005-09-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

Here a few more from the ongoing series of awesome laws that have been promulgated here in the US and throughout the world.

"Every citizen of the United States, who is over the age of twenty-one years, and has resided in New Mexico twelve months, in the county ninety days, and in the precinct in which he offers to vote thirty days, next preceding the election, except idiots, insane persons and persons convicted of a felonious or infamous crime unless restored to political rights, shall be qualified to vote at all elections for public officers."
-Constitution of the State of New Mexico, Article VII, Section 1.
[Damn, I guess I can't vote]

"Persons classified as ugly may not walk down any street"
-San Francisco, CA city ordinance
[I can't walk either]

"It is illegal to take a lion to the movies."
-Baltimore, MD city ordinance
[Tigers are cool, though]

"It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of an airplane."
-Alaska State Code
[Dead moose are fine]

"It is illegal to get a fish drunk."
-Ohio State Code
[Damn, there goes my weekend]

Six Feet Tall???

2005-09-27T20:41:00.000-04:00

An Ohio high school football player with was banned from playing in a game due to a rule requiring all players to wear and knee pads. This kid wasn't against shoes like some Kenyan distance runner. No, there was another reason. He can't wear shoes. Why? HE HAS NO LEGS. The kid pulls himself down the field like a gorilla in the mist. My God, I'm not sure if I've ever heard a story that makes me feel so lazy. I have two legs that work marginally well and my favorite activity is reclining in front of my TV (which still doesn't work). Here's the best quote from this story.

"Martin is also on the school's wrestling team and is running for homecoming king." Sure, he can wrestle, but he's not running for anything. I would modify this statement as follows to make it politically correct: Despite the fact that the state of Ohio hates cripples, Martin is also walking on his knuckles for homecoming king." In your face, Ohio!

How to punch a Raiders fan

2005-09-26T16:50:00.000-04:00

Anonymous Roomate #2 scored tickets to the Eagles v. Raiders game yesterday (thanks!). It was the first Birds game I've been to at the Linc, so I was extremely fired up. I channelled all of my rage at cable providers into excitement (rage) about the game. We were out drinking with the Raiders equipment guys (waterboys) the night before just to get a good amount of alcohol pumping through our blood. We got into South Philly at 9:40 and were drinking again in the parking lot by 10 AM.

Our seats were actually in the Raiders Family and Friends (chicks who players bang) section of the stadium. The game was a battle, since the Eagles were held back by a lot of injuries. I had the pleasure of sitting next to a retarded Raiders fan who had a serious case of verbal diarrea and felt it was his responsibility to call the entire game. It was like being forced to sit next to John Madden, but with far less knowledge of football. So at some time in the 3rd quarter, I'm up out of my seat and screaming because I'm sure the Birds defense could hear me and appreciated all my help (see picture of Dawkins giving me (God) props). I reel back to mimic Jeramiah Trotter's Axe Man celebration and I slam my fist into Madden's eye. I didn't just bump the guy, I caught him with full force. I apologized like I felt bad, but I really enjoyed getting a free shot at this idiot. He quieted down significantly after that, but began yelling nonsense once again towards the end of the game.

I was tempted to hit him again, but I didn't have to because David Akers kicked him squarely in the nuts when he heroically won the game for the Birds. Eat shit Retarded Madden. 23-20 Ealges win. I hope your flight back to Oakland is fun, you loser.

E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES!

END SPAM NOW!

2005-09-26T16:45:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking about the delicious and conveniently rectangular-shaped ham product. This damn blog that only four real people read is now getting spammed. These guys just won't quit. For reference, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING YOU'RE SELLING SO STOP POSTING CRAP. I'll find you and beat you like a Comcast customer service rep (read: to within an inch of you life, if you're lucky).

I'll never get this time back . . .

2005-09-23T11:01:00.000-04:00

Yup, you guessed it! CABLE STILL NOT WORKING RIGHT! This morning, some of the additional channels we lost when one tech tried to fix the cable are back, but the two original ones that didn't work are still bad. I've spoken to two supervisors this morning and I'm waiting for a call back from a "field supervisor." Maybe he has the magical powers needed to fix this mysterious problem. Or maybe he's just like this guy, who is an accurate representation of everyone that I've had to deal with for the last three weeks. I'm glad I pay you idiots for all of this. I hope your first born children grow tails and lose all bowel control.

Flaiming Idiot Update

2005-09-22T19:39:00.000-04:00

How many Comcast personnel does it take to screw in a light bulb, or fix the goddamn cable that they provide? At this point, I've had 5 technicians, at least 10 customer service reps and 3-4 supervisors involved in trying to get a freakin picture on my TV. Guessss what? IT STILL DOESN'T WORK. I'm oh so very glad that I bought this monster TV so I could enjoy HD. I really want to burn down the Comcast headquarters. I'm going to call the damn CEO tomorrow if I can't watch ESPN HD. Maybe I'll kidnap his children.

5 Awesome Laws

2005-09-22T09:48:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of real statutes that show just how ridiculous law makers are. Yes, these are all real.

A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings.
-48 USC 8, Section 8

Cross-dressing is illegal.
-Haddon, NJ, 175-10. Indecent dress or exposure.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
-Alabama statute

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
-Texas statute 43 Public Indecency, Subchapter B Obscenity, Section 42-23

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
-Cleveland, OH code

Justice fo' Hoes [sic]

2005-09-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

Justice Evans of the United States Court of Appeals for the 7th Circuit recently opined the following:

"On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a "snitch bitch hoe" *footnote 1* and hit her in the head with the back of his hand."

*footnote 1* The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."

United States v. Murphy, 406 F.3d 857

This case is currently on appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court for a declaratory judgment on the actual intended meaning of the word "hoe." Justice Scalia is well known for his opinion of "G's up, ho's down." It would appear that the Appelant Hayden's case will be denied certiorari.

Customer Service

2005-09-20T20:49:00.000-04:00

I'm soooo tired of customer "service" departments. I've been having problems with my HD box and service, so I've been on the phone with those geniuses over at Comcast an awful lot lately. Here is a sample conversation:

Me: "I'm having a problem with my 1080i HD signals coming through my HD DVR box and I need it fixed."
Rep: "Looky here, im da telebision turned on?"
Me: "Yes, it's on, it's on the proper input and the cable lines are getting the proper hertz signals."
Rep: "Um, uh, now im da cable plugged into da telebision?"
Me: "Yes, I just told you it's plugged in. EVERYTHING IS PLUGGED IN."
Rep: "Great googly moogly! Uh, im da cable box have one dem lil' green lights on it?"
Me: "Yes, can I please speak with a technician?"
Rep: "Oh, I's can take care yo' problems boss. Don't you sweat now. Now im dat telebision turned on?"
Me: "Can you read?"
Rep: "Oh yaasuh, I's can read real good."
Me: "Can I speak with your supervisor?"
Rep: "Uh, ummm, oh we don' have none of dose."
Me: "Can you schedule a tech to come out here to test the lines and adjust the signal gain?"
Rep: "Holy mackerel, you's a smart one, boss. I's can get a tecknikal peoples out to yo house in 2 weeks between the hours of 5 in da monin' and 9 in da nitetime. Do dat work fo you?"
Me: *click* *dial tone*

Anyway, I've had two weeks worth of adventure dealing with these wizards. I've had two techs, 2 different $500 HD cable boxes and the signal is GETTING WORSE. The guy who came to fix it today actually made me lose about 20 more channels. Great, thanks a lot boss. Those classes at ITT Technical Institute are really paying dividends, aren't they?

No beer, no HD TV make the Cap'n go crazy. I'm just shy of walking into a comcast branch with dynamite strapped to a vest. Maybe that'll work.

The Law of Health

2005-09-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were worried, my esteemed health law professor has just made the following statements:

"Healthcare is like squeezing a balloon animal."

"Hospitals are not boxes of watermelons"

Indeed! Brilliant. Those are going in my exam answer.

The Eagles = D.O.A.

2005-09-14T16:00:00.000-04:00

I was so fired up for the Eagles season opener on Monday. I had about 15 lbs of meat ready to burn, beer everywhere and the Eagles Snack Helmet brimming with appropriate contents. I invite many well wishers to cheer the Birds on to a victory. I ate delicious meat and stationed myself in my new throne (recliner) in front of my too-large television. Then Andy Reid and the boyz turned up the suck knob. They cranked it so hard that it broke off.

Trotter gets thrown out on a horse shit call before the game starts, but don't worry, Atlanta's backup quarterback was tossed too. He was a crucial part of nothing to their offense. The Eagles then took the field and played like a bunch of nuns who had gotten into the communion wine. Great way to start the season. I'm not particularly worried about this loss in the grand scheme of things, it just ruins my week, at least until Friday when I start lathering about the next game.

At least the next game is the 49ers. Even if we play like its the Special Olympics we should thrash them.

Breaking News: Law school still sucks

2005-09-14T15:46:00.000-04:00

Despite all of your prayers to the contrary, I am still alive and I have once again felt the urge to list meaningless complaints to the 3 people who actually read this. So law school has been underway for about a month now and it sucks as usual. I really don't see the utility of all of this crap. I think we would all be better lawyers if we reverted back to the 18th Century apprentice system. Then I could learn from actual experience rather than attempting to figure out absurd hypotheticals that egomaniacal professors. Right now, my wills and estates professor has drawn the most ridiculous diagram on the board that I have even seen. It has every letter in the alphabet in it, with each representing a party/claimant. The diagram is literally 25 feet across. Yes, oh, thank you! That makes it soooo easy to understand. Then I have to listen to the feeble minds of lesser mortals (read: classmates) fumble and stutter as they try to form a non-retarded answer. They almost always fail. I can guarantee you that I'm never going to be in open court to draw diagrams the size of bus in a dramatic attempt to illuminate my argument. Now I'm going to return to listening to this peck of dimwits struggle not to drool in their books while they sputter.

Rotten Vegetables

2005-08-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

If you'd like to throw rotten vegetables at my boy ME-O personally, here is a map to his home.

Terrell "I'm an Ass" Owens
40 Landing Court
Moorestown, NJ 08057-3951

UPDATE - No thanks to Anonymous Roommate 2 because the address he gave me was incorrect and was actually a townhome, where TO most certainly does not live. Anonymous Cousin supplied me with this address because TO actually bought one of her former student's houses. I'll check tonight to see if this is accurate.

F.U.T.O.

2005-08-17T08:56:00.000-04:00

Dear T.O.,

I hate you. I hate you very much. I love my Eagles like a fat kid luv cake, but I hate you ME-O. You egotistical bastard. I hope Andy Reid violates you with a plunger and whips you like the dumb work horse you are. My roommate has your home address in Moorestown and I can't wait to and throw eggs at your house tonight. No, wait, I'm gonna buy the eggs tonight and let them sit out in the sun for a few days so they'll make your Escalade stink when I hit it. Enjoy.

Sincerely,
The Cap'n

Seriously, I AM TIRED OF TO. 45 minutes out of every hour of Sports Center is dedicated to what pattern of camouflage this douchebag is wearing to training camp. Half of this whole problem can actually be blamed on ESPN and the rest of the media because they're the ones who cover this idiot. "This just in . . . TO has taken a significant dump in the second floor bathroom of his home. Preliminary reports suggest that he took a copy of Black Tail magazine in with him. His lavatory battle is reported to have been an arduous 10 minute struggle. Does this performance foreshadow T.O.'s recovery from a groin injury and return to play for the Eagles? Catch the in depth analysis of the corn in his poo on tonight's Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith."

I really hate this guy now. Unfortunately, I can't dispute that he's really good. I just hate players like this. You don't play for the Philadelphia TO's, you play for the Philadelphia F-ing Eagles. It's a team, you ass. If you don't think TO is the biggest ego-maniac on the planet, then check out his website. Yeah, that's nice and subtle. Ohhhh, boo-hoo. You can't feed your family, huh? Then maybe you should stop dropping diamonds out of your bling into the batter when you make fried chicken for them. It'll cost less, you arrogant prick.

The only thing that has made me happy about this situation in the past few days was the footage of TO pulling up to his house in So Jers yesterday. He gets out and goes inside and then Drew Rosenhaus unloads his luggage. Hahaha! You're not making a dime off of this lunatic, but you do get the pleasure of carrying his bags. Nice job, bell hop. This whole circus is making me consider dropping out of law school and playing Madden '06 against the Eagles constantly just so I can lay down career ending hits on T.O. out in the flat.

At least this kid has the right idea. Don't worry T.O., we're saving up all the hotdogs we can to feed your 12 million hungry family members. In the meantime, eat a dick.

Friday Spies

2005-08-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

There's apparently a trend amongst bloggers to answer a set of questions each week called Friday Spies. I felt behind the curve, so here are my responses. I want to be a front runner too!

Friday Spies© : Who Moved My Cheese Edition
1. What's your favorite cheese?
All cheese is delicious. The most delicious may be an aged gorgonzola or some of fancy crap like that. I can incorporate cheese into almost any meal and enjoy it. Breakfast cereal? Throw a little cheese on it. Yogurt. Grate a little romano and it's great. Alright, I'm starting to disgust even myself . . . or am I just hungry? Hmmmm.

2. Cheesy movie: If you were in Top Gun, what would your call sign be?
Call Sign Liberace. No, seriously, this is tough. I've pondered this multiple times. I guess if I had a gun to my head and to decide . . . Wait, let me put the gun down. Probably Nitro. Or Maximus. Or Magnus Ver Magnussen. No, those are my kids' names. I'll just go with Sexual Chocolate. That boy good!

3. Big cheese: Tell us a boss story -- best boss, worst boss, a time when you were the boss, etc.
Worst boss - Years ago I would take temp jobs on breaks when I was home from college. I ended up at this telemarketing place. I wasn't doing telemarketing. No. The temps were set up to receive calls about defective radial arm saws from Sears. It was pretty bad. I'm in the room with several people who I was convinced killed little children at night and the rest just had really bad BO. The "boss" was this guy who had a severe stutter and was barely literate. He was awesome. Watching him trying to get a room of serial killers to do something was classic. He offered me a full time job on my second day there, probably because the trunk of my car was the only one that wasn't stuffed with women's bodies. If that retard could be a "boss" then I had hope that my dreams of middle management would come true someday too! Oh, and I quit on the third day.

4. Say cheese: Are you a photobug? Are you photogenic? Or, in 1000 words or less, tell us about your best picture.
I like to take pictures, mostly because I'm behind the camera and not in front of it. I'm about as photogenic as a busload of nuns on fireplummetingg off a cliff. I don't have a best picture. They're all bad. If you want proof, go to my mom's house and look in the front living room. Sweet mother of god.

5. Just cheesy: What's the worst pick-up line you've ever used, or had used on you? Did it work?
Wanna get some pizza and fuck? What, you don't like pizza? Of course it didn't work.

Legally Intoxicating

2005-08-04T15:11:00.000-04:00

I regularly read a number of other blogs written by fellow disgruntled lawyers and law students. However, the rantings of my brethren forensis have a lot more references to the law and politics. in them than mine does. It actually makes me feel insecure about my place in the online world of complaining lawyers. Am I inferior because my site doesn't have a more ironic legal name like Nudum Pactum? Am I less witty because I don't work in jokes about recent Supreme Court decisions? I wonder if I am a substandard scholar and observer of my profession because I fail to include similar references. Perhaps it's because I drink far too much whiskey which washes away any memorizations of inane latin phrases or obscure case holdings that I once knew.

I don't know. Maybe I'll just be a shitty lawyer. I've always got my blogging career to fall back on. Res judicata that, bitch.

Crack Whore Extraordinaire

2005-08-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

One of the "admins" at Anonymous Pharma Company is basically the biggest crack whore I've even seen. All goddamn day long I have to listen to her. First off, she's dumb as a box of hammers. At least five times a day I have to hear her ask someone how to spell things, e.g. "Dude, how do you spell dude?" I'm not too sure how she was hired because I'm certain that she reads below a 3rd grade level. At least that gives me hope. When she's not working, which is about 98% of her day, she's on the phone dealing with her baby momma drama.

Here's her story. She got knocked up by some 40+ year old drummer who's a total loser deadbeat. He's the guy who still thinks he's gonna make it even though he now has to take arthritis supplements to get out of bed in the morning. A real success story. As far as I can gather from her loud and inappropriate conversations, he's an unemployed biker. So she let him dip his wick and out popped a kid. I feel terrible for this little girl because the crack whore is perpetually trying to get rid of her so she can go and get wasted. The rest of the time that she's not on the phone trying to get rid of her child, she spends talking to Family Court. She's always trying to get more child support presumably so she can purchase more rock. She spent an entire day last week arguing with people from the court system because some one called child protective services on her and she's in turn trying to get them to go after the baby daddy. Seriously, I hear every detail of every one of these conversations. It takes every ounce of control that I possess not to either strangle her or self inflict paper cuts until I bleed to death.

When she's not using the company phone system to perpetuate her drama, her f-ing cell phone is ringing. How, praytell, do I know her mobile device is ringing? BECAUSE THE RINGER IS ON FULL VOLUME. ALWAYS. No, not vibrate, this damn thing plays some retarded song over and over again until she figures out how to answer it. It's usually another member of her crack whore gang with a lead on where they can get drunk and bang talentless dive-bar "musicians."

People like this should not be allowed to breathe, let alone procreate. There are monkeys that could perform her job better than she does. As a matter of fact, I may just bring a rabid monkey into work and let it maul her to death the next time her cell rings. Dude, how do you spell "shut the f up you skank?"

LHIOB

2005-08-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

Now lets discuss an agent that I like. Jeremy Piven is a genius. If you don't know what LHIOB stands for, then you're a loser. Okay, even if you know what it means, you can still be a loser (like me). I'm talking about Let's Hug It Out Bitch. Ari Gold is pure gold. I think Entourage is basically the best series on TV right now. It's the quintessential man's show. With it's rapier sharp dialogue and painfully true to life situations, there's nothing broadcast that can touch it. The characters are all great, with each one acting just like some guy you know. But in my opinion, no one tops Ari Gold (Piven). Ari is the uber cocky super agent who just might have some of the best lines in television history. Here's a smattering:

"We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos. "

[after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] "Come on! I'm like R. Kelly at recess here!"

Gary Busey: "You are a gut maggot without guts. "
Ari: "Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up! "

[Ari is about to leave his kid's birthday party for business reasons]
Ari's Wife: "Where are you going?"
Ari: "They flew in the liver, and I gotta do the transplant."

"All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I'm going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called imahollywoodproducerwhore.com and there will be no registration or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Give me a fucking call back. "

If you're not watching this show, then you suck. For my money, it doesn't get any better than this. LHIOB.

HAHAHAHAHAH!

2005-08-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Drew Rosenhaus:

You are a huge vagina. The Eagles have just smacked you down like an annoying baby momma begging for money to get her hair weave. You wasted so much effort trying to get TO more money and you know what? Your brilliant agent-ass didn't get shit! I love it. Ooohhh! You're the NFL's most ruthless agent? A lot of good that did you, huh? You stole TO away from his old agent and promised him that you'd get him this huge deal. Sure, TO was a little down on himself. He had self esteem issues. All he needed was a little inflation of his under-developed ego and all would be good with the world. Now you've got a pain-in-the-ass client on your hands and you're making zero money off of him. He could have gotten tons of money in endorsement deals because Philly loved him. Now he won't even get a complimentary cup of coffee at Wawa. Nice job, super-agent boy.

It helps me sleep at night to know that you and TO had to drag your asses into training camp with your tails between your legs. You have no friends. Now you have to save face and say that you've got a "dialog" with the Eagles and you're still unhappy with the contract. The Eagles told you to go fuck yourself and you can't do dick about it. Now TO just wants to play the game, huh? But what about his family? He said he couldn't take care of them on his $49 MILLION salary. How many kids does this thug have? When it comes down to it, TO is the third highest paid receiver in the NFL. I'm pretty sure his baby mommas can afford to buy the kids some happy meals. Tell TO to turn up his headphones because the boo-birds are gonna have fun with him. These guys seem to be able to feed their kids on a $20,000 brick layer's salary.

Finally Drew, I'd like to show you what a hipocritcal jerk off you are. On the 8th page of your craptacular book is the following quote "The only thing that happens when you use the media is that you [tick] the team off and embarrass them. By making the negotiations public, the team becomes tougher because they don't want to look bad in the public eye. Obviously, I have learned... that holding a player out and using the media in negotiations is not a good idea." I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing that you might want to write a sequel. Maybe you could call it "How I Got Raped By Andy Reid." Oh, and tell Don Yeager that he sucks too.

Sincerely,
C.N.

Summer is winding down

2005-08-03T10:51:00.000-04:00

You know your life sucks when your summer starts drawing to a close in the beginning of August. School is coming and it's going to suck. At least there will be pathetic 1L's with no clue about anything that will raise my self esteem. The poor fresh fish are in for such a treat! Law school is super fun! I'm considering breaking into my old high school woodshop and making a sign that reads "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here." I'll nail it to the front doors on the morning of 1L orientation. What I actually should do is participate in one of the student panels for orientation and get everyone on the panel to make up ridiculous lies. Here's a few samples that I've been kicking around. "Oh, don't forget to wear your Hawaiian shirts on Fridays because they give you free ice cream." "Just between you and me, it's a tradition for 1L's to bring lots of cocaine to the first pub party." "Professors like the kids that say 'pass' when they're called on. Under the Socratic system, they're the students that automatically get the A+." "Make sure you tell everyone your LSAT score because then you'll be really popular!" "The Paper Chase is REAL! REAL I TELLS YA!" "Take up smoking. If you already smoke, take up heroin. If you're already addicted to heroin, just freebase the UCC."

Good luck to all of you idiots who decided to follow me. Don't ask me for outlines. Don't ask me for study tips. I don't study and I don't make outlines. I drink and watch football. So if you want to buy me a drink, I may not punch you the next time I see you. Keep your head down and try not to kill yourself because of the stress. But if you suck, go ahead and kill yourself, the world will be a better place. Oh yeah, one more thing, FUCK TANZMAN.

Car Ribbons Blow

2005-08-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I got the HDTV and I've been completely occupied with shows about monkeys and Niagara Falls. I clearly have no time to type. But now I have a new thing in the world that annoys me. Car Ribbons. They suck. This absurd fad has to stop. I have a rather lengthy commute to work each day and I have to stare at these damn things for hours each day. One day while coming home from the office I decided to count them. I had to stop at 60 because the rage was affecting my driving. These ribbons used to mean something and they used to be marginally patriotic. Now they've completely jumped the shark. They make them for every cause that could possible generate a profit: Support Our Troops, Don't Support Our Troops, Breast Cancer, Retards, Live Strong, Defeat Bush, Gays for Kerry, America, HIV, Spay and Neuter Your Pets, etc, etc . . . Seriously, do you really feel the need to have a magnet on your minivan that admonishes motorists to cut the nuts off their dogs? I should have rammed that lady off the road.

Yesterday I saw the one that really sent me over the edge. There was this fat Asian kid driving a beat up Honda Civic with a Fast n' Furious wing stapled to the back. Just below the cardboard "racing" spoiler that he got for $9 at Pep Boys was a green ribbon magnet, adorned with pot leaves and said "Support My Habit" Oh my God. What the hell is that? Do you think it's cool? Does that make you tough or some kind of rebel? I can't wait to see how cool it is when you get pulled over and a cop violates you with his nightstick while his huge German Shepard rips about your shitbox weed-mobile. Yeah, that's gonna be awesome.

I'm beyond tired of looking at these ribbons. This retarded trend has to stop. I hope some study is released that demonstrates that these ribbons give cancer to little kids. Then you'll feel like an asshole. I'll also be happy when they fall off and you have a retarded design faded into the paint of your P.O.S. mobile. At least I'll get some joy out of that, just like when I see some douchebag with a Vote Kerry bumper sticker on his car. Remember, these ribbons don't make you more aware or more supportive than me. They just show that you wasted $5 and I didn't. Your ribbon doesn't make me want to support your cause. It makes me want to sideswipe your Camry off of an overpass. You suck.

It's a brand new day!

2005-07-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

Oh hello, my name is Hercules East Timor. And of course, you’ve met Rob Aruba. Last night, Anon Roommate 2 introduced Anon 1 and I to RonMexico.com. OH MY GOD. It’s awesome. This whole revolution originated in a lovely story about Quarterback Michael Vick and his little friend, herpes. So Vick was sued by some chick who alleged that he had given her the gift that keeps on giving. C’mon, he was just being generous and passing along a little of his fame to her. That’s like a permanent autograph that reoccurs every 4 to 6 weeks. She should feel lucky. The complaint for damages relating to the VD is here. How exactly do you quantify damages for VD? Is it a jury or judge question? What does she get, a lifetime supply of Valtrex? Then maybe she can smile and ride her bike with her boyfriend in the sun. “It’s a brand new day!” Yeah, with herpes.

ANYWAY, this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant about VD. The real purpose was to tout the Ron Mexico story. Ron Mexico is the pseudonym that Vick used when he was tested for the VD. That is amazing. I really didn’t think I could come up with a better name than that if I tried. That was until Anon Roommate 2 showed me the RonMexico Name Generator where you can get your own awesome alias to use when you spread STD’s! For example, my name was Hercules East Timor. George Bush = Jorge Iceland. Plus you can buy Ron Mexico gear on the site too. I’m definitely picking up the Philly vs. Mexico t-shirt. So make sure all you kiddies go out and get an alias before your nasty STD ass hooks up with a random chick in the VIP section of a bar.

VIVA MEXICO!

Tackling Engrish

2005-07-14T09:29:00.000-04:00

So Eagles training camp begins in 15 days. I’m just shy of foaming at the mouth waiting for the season to start. I’ve already got the full schedule of games for every team that will be broadcast in HD. The monstrous TV arrives next Friday. I’ve been watching retarded shows on the NFL Network to get a fix. Last night I think I watched an hour-long show about how grass is grown in stadiums.

The first preseason game is the American Bowl. That’s sounds awesome to me. I love football! I love America! Wait, what? IT’S IN JAPAN! Why does the NFL have to take food out of the kids’ mouths of overpaid Teamsters and Union Laborers? How is that American? What they hell do the Japs know about football? The stands will be filled with small yellow people wearing hip “American” shirts that have been mistranslated: “Hot Space Station Super Bowl - Join me or die. Can you do any less?” This is a retarded idea. The first game should be at Lambeau or Soldier fields. Somewhere that people actually know the damn game.

The worst part of all of this is that when the first football game of the season is broadcast in HD, I won’t even be there to witness it in the glory of my new TV. I’ll be in Texas with Anonymous Girlfriend. She did this on purpose. Luring me with promises of “love,” a “relationship” and Texas-sized portions of meat. DAMN! Oh well, at least I’ll be home to watch the Eagles 4th string guys kick the crap out of the 3rd sting Pittsburgh Steelers for their first preseason game. How exciting! I don’t care, I’ll get to see cheerleaders in HD. “Wow! It’s like she’s jiggling right in front of me!”

Age before Alcoholism

2005-07-14T08:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't posted in a while, but I have a good reason. My bodily organs are just now beginning to function again after my birthday last week. The party was great, but I really shouldn't have drank that bottle and a half of whiskey. When I woke up the next day, my liver was crying on the floor next to me. Good lord, I was in the hurt locker all day. I barely moved and when I did, it was only to change the TV channel. Thank you to Anonymous Girlfriend who had the pleasure of tending to 300 lbs of still drunken mess. What a saint.

So the party was a complete shit show as usual. Anonymous tattooed Buddy supplied the cake. Actually, cakeS, one for Anonymous Roommate to plant his face in to carry on the tradition and another one in the shape of a 3D pirate ship. It even came with a pirate bandanna and an eye patch. I don't know what happened to the eye-patch. I probably dropped into a glass of Beam and drank it. I was up until 4 and never stopped drinking, even after I hit Boot Factor 3. I did have a brilliant idea towards the end of the evening. Since the police confiscated my breathalyzer, I decided to conduct a drunk driving experiment. Seriously, this was a great idea. Okay, before the entire membership of MADD burns down my door, I will admit that it was on a video game, but it still worked. Anonymous Roommate 1 and I decided to race each other on Gran Turismo 4. This was hours after he caught the train into blackout city, so I'm the only one who remembers this. So we're racing on the game and the effects of alcohol were abundantly clear. My skill level was right around Billy Joel on a Saturday night weaving to a Hamptons after party. The best part was that Anon Roommate 1 decides he doesn't want to race anymore halfway through. He stops his virtual car in the middle of the track and spent about a minute looking for the controller button that would allow his virtual driver to get out of the car to take a piss in the bushes. I didn't share this story with him yet because I was waiting to put it up here. Sheer brilliance.

So here's to getting older, killing that last bit of liver you've got left and trying to make a video game character take a leak because you're so drunk. God Bless us all, every one.

I Predict Death . . .

2005-07-08T12:23:00.000-04:00

So tonight is my birthday party. I hope it will be the nice quiet gathering like last year. We only had 60+ people in Anonymous Apartment. There were several visits from the cops, including one where they brought back a party-goer who wandered away and passed out/threw up in one of the elevators. Anonymous Roommate 1 is pissed that he's not on here yet, so I thought I'd tell you one of the best stories from last year's blessed event. So Mental Mother gave me a huge sheet cake for last year's party. We had it out on the food/snack table which was unfortunately located next to the bar. Anonymous Roommate 1 was partying his face off as usual, which included precarious keg stands on the 7th floor balcony and drinking enough liquor to kill a bull elephant. At one point in the party, he decides that the pretty birthday cake shouldn't be pretty anymore. He had to kill it . . . with his Canadian face. So in goes the head and bye-bye goes the cake and icing. He then proceeds to search the party for me because he wants to mash his icing covered head into my face. Mind you, at this point, I'm so gone that I couldn't spell beer and for some reason I'm wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Elvis glasses and my tuxedo jacket. So he finds me and basically wipes his head clean on my face and tux. Awesome. I didn't bother to have the icing stains cleaned off of the tux for almost a year after that.

Right now I'm just anxiously awaiting my escape from Anonymous Pharma Company so that I can begin my obliteration. Just a quick note, Anonymous Roommate 2 has decided not to attend this party, partly because he sucks and mostly because he's a huge vagina. Actually, he said it's because he's in love . . . with a woman. Good Lord, turn in your man card now, you Skirt. So here's to drinking until you can't see and passing out face down under the pool table. Happy Birthday to Me. I predict death . . .

I hate terrorists

2005-07-08T10:48:00.000-04:00

While I'm sitting here waiting for the shitty coffee to brew at Anonymous Pharma Company, I wanted to take a few moments to comment on terrorism, capitalism and American firepower. Anonymous Roommate 2 sent me an article from the NY Times that made the point I've been voicing all along. One of the main problems with all of these terrorist attacks is that the Muslim world has been too chickenshit to condemn them. The article pointed out that when Salman Rushdie published a book that said something bad about Muhammad, the Shah of Iran sentenced him to death, but not a single Arabian leader has done that to Osama Bin Laden for murdering thousands. That sends the clearest message of all - killing white westerners who drive Chevys and allow their women to wear bikinis is GREAT.

This all makes me believe that the entire region is worthless. They all hate us because they're taught to hate us before they can walk. My solution? Stop pussyfooting around. We should load up every B2 bomber we've got with bunker busters and just flatten that whole place. We should pave it over into a huge parking lot for a Super Walmart. Then we should put in 1000's of service stations to sell gas at 9 cents a gallon to fill up our Hummers. Not those queer H2's, but the real deal Army ones. Then our American women can go over there and insult any surviving Muslim men by wearing halter tops and smacking them in the face with their forbidden college degrees.

It's time for our own jihad. We should form a coalition with Canada. We can use all of the maple sucking puck slapper troops as decoys to distract these petrol mongering camel jockeys while we melt their countries into asphalt. Terrorism = Cowardism. Bombs = Solution. GOD BLESS WALMART AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

This can't be real

2005-07-08T10:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, this has to be the most retarded thing I've ever seen. Can't we have anything on our own? Now Canada has to jump in with their own shit-tacular holiday? We actually fought for our Independence Day. Britain just dumped off Canada like like a 747 dumping a load of frozen poo at 40,000 feet. You need a holiday for that? This is worse than Title IX. We're not allowed to have anything to ourselves.

Quotes describing the festivities are as follows "Entertainment usually has a Canadian theme. Canadian flags abound, and some go as far as to paint their faces in Canadian colours." Wow, that sounds like a rockin' good time. Quebec also has the awesome holiday called "Moving Day" when everyone's lease is up and lots of people move. That's got to be the shittest parade ever. All the more reason we should just conquer this psuedo-country and make it into a theme park. I don't even think Anonymous Roommate 1 (Canadian) would disagree on this point.

American Coma

2005-07-08T10:38:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I've been in an America induced coma. I ended up not going to the hemp packed parkway for the Live 8. I was much happier watching it on TV at home. Instead, I filled up my weeked with AMERICA. I love America. No other country spends weeks celebrating how awesome it is. Even Mental Mother only extended her obligatory birthday celebration for three days.

This weekend was just great. I spent the whole time wearing red, white and blue and gawking at places where George Washington may have gotten drunk in Philadelphia. It doesn't get any better than that. We're just the best fucking country on earth. "Hey, look at us. We have eagles, fireworks, HDTV, iPods, hot chicks, lasers and beer! Whadda you got? Sand? Hahahaha! GOD BLESS THE USA!" We have songs about how great we are. We have songs about the Statute of Liberty putting a boot in the ass of terrorists. It's the American Way. Is there a Canadian Way? I think not. Happy Burfday, Amuricah.

Is HDTV better than breathing? YES.

2005-07-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

My obsession this summer has been HDTV. As soon as I started working for Anonymous Pharma Company, I decided that I needed a present for myself as reward for surviving such a crappy year and for actually making real money. Sure, I could have joined a gym, donated to charity or paid off my student loans, but when you think about it, this is so much more practical. C'mon, Birds Football in 52 inches of glorious High Definition? I've got a fever, and the only prescription is HD.

After large amounts of extensive online research, I have decided on this monster, the Toshiba 52HM84. I've seen it at several stores. It's an orgasm, but in flat panel form. Anonymous Girlfriend is not too pleased with my educated decision. Every time I mention the TV, she responds with a chorus about engagement rings. Whatever, you could lose an engagement ring down the drain. There's no concern about losing delicious HD in the sink. Anyway, I'd have to a custom sink made to fit this bad boy in there.

Once this thing arrives, I'll probably lose my job, drop out of school and become one with the couch. I'm most likely going to spend my whole day watching shows about polar bears or rain just because it's in HD. "Wow, this porn/NASCAR/war is so realistic! It's like you're there."

I did realize last night how ridiculous this thing is going to be in my living room. I was playing GT4 and it dawned on me that the screen on this thing is going to be larger than the windshields of the actual cars in the video game.

Now I know how Jay-Z feels in his living room. Play on Playah - in HD.

Def Leppard Loves Africa

2005-07-01T09:10:00.000-04:00

You know what really makes me think of helping malnourished African children? Def Leppard belting out a shitty version of Pour Some Sugar on Me doesn't come to mind. Despite all that, I'm being forced to go to Live 8 tomorrow in Philly. Anonymous Girlfriend has convinced me that it is a historical event that I cannot miss. When the concert was first announced, I was all gung-ho about it, but now that I realize that I'll have to fight with 1.5 Million other idiots to see Sarah McLachlan, I'm not too excited. But, since I'm so dutiful, I began planning my outfit for the blessed event. I took the picture of myself on the right last night while I was trying to put together an ensemble last night. I'm not sure if this is African enough. I think I'll carry dead Gazelle carcass over my shoulder and try to feed hippie vegan college kids raw meat with it, just to get that feel of realism.

I'm not knocking the good intentions behind this event, but I just think it's going to suck. It's an awesome idea, but not when it involves shoe-horning over a million freaks who reek of incense and peyote into an area that can realistically only hold 400,000. I also don't think there's enough being done to make this gig actually benefit starving people in Africa. I thnk this is motivated much more by Will Smith and Bon Jovi trying to look socially conscious than it is about feeding dying impoverished masses.

Even the way that they're trying to raise money pisses me off. The organizers had the uber-original idea of selling rubber bracelets to raise funds. OH MY GOD. Enough with the stupid f-ing bracelets already. They make bracelets for everything. Freakin TGI Friday's has their own charity bracelets. Suffice it to say, THE BRACELETS AREN'T NOVEL ANYMORE. STOP MAKING THEM. I should start a foundation to raise money for ugly people like me and sell repulsive turd-brown, misshapen bracelets as a benefit. C'mon, it's passe now.

Anyway, if you're at the torture, err, I mean concert tomorrow, look for me. I'll be the angry 6'7" guy dressed like Shakazulu stealing rice from UN trucks and throwing spears at unwashed college students.

GOD BLESS AFRICA.

Sex, Lies and i-Pods (except without the sex)

2005-06-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

This is an iPod. Do you have one? WELL I DON'T. Since Rusty and I can't receive retard award points from Anonymous Pharma Company, we were promised iPods for all of our hard work at the trade convention. Woo-Hoo! I've always wanted an iPod and I actually had to vigorously talk myself out of buying one several times in the past. I was able to push it out of my mind. But hey, now I'm getting one for free! SWEET!

So certain muckety-mucks said we'd have said iPods on our desks when we got back. That was over a week ago. I haven't been able to sleep since. All I think about are iPods. This such bullshit. I had been doing just fine on the "No iPod Wagon" and then they promised me one and send me off the fucking reservation. But nooooooo! Now I try to work in the word "iPod" into as many conversations at work as I can, just in case the person who was supposed to award them to us had forgotten.

This dovetails nicely in with the last post which describes how they view the summer associates like slaves and secretaries for the secretaries. They're all going to get award points for printing fucking fed-ex labels on time, but I work 40 hours in 3 days and I get a nice warm glass of shut the fuck up. Great. In the meantime, I'm sitting here like Moses, waiting to be let into the iPod promised land. I bet those goddamn mimes stole them.

Mimes and Automatic Weapons

2005-06-29T16:03:00.000-04:00

Last week, Anonymous Pharma Company sent me to a trade convention. This was a sweet gig for me because I didn't have to be in the office, it was in Philly which is much closer to home than the office and I was going to get lots of free food and overtime hours. I was also hoping for some recognition gifts from the company for my good work, dedication and initiative. Here at Anonymous Pharma, whenever one of the permanent employees ties their shoes correctly, they are awarded "points" for doing such a good job. These points can be redeemed for any number of items, from shoes to plasma TV's. Everyone involved with preparing for the convention is going to get awarded points, even if the fucked up what they were supposed to do. Everyone except the summer associate/intern/temps. Fuck.

BTW, there's another poor summer associate/intern/temp/fool who works with me, we'll call him Rusty Panama to preserve his anonymity. So Rusty Panama and I bust our asses preparing for this convention, attending it, representing the company and working 13+ hour days in the process. At the very minimum, I was at least able to enjoy a few top shelf meals out of this gig. That was until the mimes came.

On one night of the convention, Rusty and I went to a large reception at the Philadelphia Art Museum. We only went to this thing because two of the big shot muckety-mucks from Anonymous Pharma promised to take Rusty and I out for steaks at the Capital Grille later that night. However, first they had to attend another reception inside the museum that Rusty and I didn't have tickets for.

Whichever genius organized the reception that Rusty and I attended decided it would be cute to have roaming performers. Some of them were okay, but they just had to have fucking mimes, didn't they? Who ever says they want to be a mime when they grow up? I personally have an intense dislike, nay, a hatred of mimes. So invariably, the mimes must have sensed this and they wouldn't leave me alone at this fucking reception. They kept coming up to me and pretending they were drinking or stuck in a goddamn box or something. So naturally, I was forced to communicate back to them. "Oh wow, you're doing such a good job pretending you're eating a sandwich. And you're not even talking! Amazing!"

All I wanted to do was drink double bourbons and eat miniature crab cakes. These muted harlots made me wish I had a large caliber rifle with me at all times. I'm tempted to start a national anti-mime coalition. No one likes them anyway, so we might as well eradicate them. Send me your donations today.

Anyway, the only thing that saved the whole night was ordering the most expensive cut of beef covered in lump crab meat at the CP later on. That and all of the delicious bourbon. Fucking mimes almost ruined my $500 dinner.

Summer Associate vs. Temp Intern

2005-06-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

This summer, I'm working in the Legal department of Anonymous Pharmaceutical Company. Even though I'm working as a "summer associate," since it's inhouse legal rather than a firm, they call me an "intern" here. Everyone is also quick to remind me that I'm a "temp" as well. The term "intern" makes me think of a high school kid who carries folders and copier paper and only has a job because his dad is a company exec. In the same vein, a "temp" is appropriate for an ex-con or someone with developmental problems who just can't hold down that job at McDonalds.

Don't get me wrong, it's a great company, but I'm tired of being saddled with these crapticular monikers. Not only can I read all by myself, but I have a high school degree rather than a GED, a genuine bachelor's degree and I'm less than a year away from being a GODDAMN ATTORNEY. Ironically enough, the folks here who most like to remind me that I'm an intern temp are the secretaries. Ohhh, scratch that, they're called "admins." I don't really give a shit what you call yourselves, but you are subservient to me in the world. You do nothing all day, yet bitch about how hard your job is. Give me a break, I can hear all of your retarded conversations all day. It either consists of discussions of your drug induced club trip last night, crying about trying to get money from your deadbeat baby daddy or asking how to spell every fourth word, such as "how do you spell dude?".

I pray to God that Anonymous Pharma Company hires me when I pass the bar. Then I'll make all of you trailer trash mongoloids refer to me as Your Lordship, Esquire. Anyway, I've gotta go pick up some copier paper and make some coffee. Fuck off.

Welcome to Planet Angry

2005-06-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my internet rambling. It's odd writing this, because I know that I'm likely the only one who will be reading it. It's like those several months in college when I couldn't stop talking to myself. If for some reason you are reading this, consider downing that whole bottle of Benadryl in your bathroom and end it all. Seriously, I'm an awful human being and it's contagious so run away now.

Why am I writing this? For several reasons, including but not limited to:

1. My girlfriend says I need therapy. Since I have no health insurance or time for that right now, I will consider this therapy. ANGRY THERAPY.

2. I spend a large portion of my work days reading other people's blogs. These people are funny, clever and popular. I want to be just like them.

3. Everyone I know is tired of listening to me bitch about everything. Since there are about 375 million English-speaking people in the world, maybe I can annoy them one at a time.

4. My family is beyond distorted. I would rather have scalding milk poured on my lap than deal with them. This site allows me to mock and belittle them and feel good about doing it behind their backs. Simple pleasures are the best.

5. These rants may also be used as not-so-subtle suggestions to my roommates, coworkers and other people I know who may read this. When I want you to clean up your shit or leave me alone, all you have to do is log on! It's a like an angro-rometer (like a barometer, but angry). Science is fun!

6. I see and hear things every day that I think are hilarious. For example, the Anonymous Pharmaceutical Company I work for has an employee exchange program with people from Denmark. The Danes are hysterical without knowing it. The rest of my work day not spent reading others' blogs is spent doing impressions of them and the oft-retarded things they say.

7. Lately, I have become a generally negative person. I can be annoyed by a strong breeze. Who knows what's going to set me off. I thought it might be amusing to share my angst-ridden dementia with Anonymous Readers. Take notes and tell your kids about this so they won't grow up to be awful like me.

8. I've always wanted to write a novel, but I am supremely lazy. Writing this makes me feel like I'm writing my book. Okay, so it's not a book, no one will read it, and it's not any good. Who cares? Eventually, I'll just cut and paste all of this crap into Word, print it out at Kinkos and tell people I wrote a book. "Wow, you're an author? That's fascinating! That makes me want you so bad!" Awwwwww yeah.

After reading the above list, I am now certain that this blog will suck. You know what? I don't care. I suck and so do you.

Three Cheers for Negativity!