CRACK!!! Mmmm-MMMMM!

Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin was arrested in beautiful Plano, Texas for speeding, outstanding speeding tickets and ohh, wait, POSSESSION OF DRUG PARAPHENALIA! Hahaha! Now it makes sense why you were such a vocal supporter of TO - you were smoking that rock! He claims that he picked up a friend from rehab and his friend left the pipe in his car. Yeaahhhhh, that makes complete sense, they release you from rehab with a pipe in your hand. I love it. TO gets another smack down from the arbitrator last week and the cockroach Cowboy Irvin who was up TO's butt the whole time gets busted for being cracked up.

This demonstrates that there really is a God. I offer this parable as further proof. Troy Aikman dies and goes to heaven. He meets God inside the gates and God takes Troy to where he will live in heaven. Troy sees a very nice mansion nestled in the clouds that is completely decked out in Green Bay Packers regalia. Troy asks God whose house that is and God replies that Brett Favre had just passed away the week before and that is Brett's house. God escorts Troy to his heavenly mansion which is tactfully decorated with Cowboys gear. Troy is eccstatic with his eternal home until he notices the house next door. It's far bigger than any other one in heaven and it's gaudily covered in Eagles' green. Troy annoyedly whines to the Lord "God, why do I have to live next door to Donovan McNabb? The Eagles were always my arch rivals!" God laughs and replies, "Oh no, that's not Donovan's house, that's mine." God is an Eagles fan after all.

PS - PA Senator Arlen Spector is a flaming idiot too. He weighed in on the TO saga and said that he was going to use his senatorial power to investigate whether what the Eagles were doing is against federal antitrust law. ARE FUCKING SERIOUS? We have a few other problems in the country and your home jurisdicition, you retard. Perhaps you should focus on some real issues. At least you won't get reelcted by Eagles fans.

Give Thanks

THANKSGIVING SCHEDULE
Well, it's only one day until one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving, aka Gorge-o-fat-football-pie day. Seriously, I love Thanksgiving. I don't have anything to do, no pressure. The only thing on scheduled on my calendar is eating. That's awesome. Anonymous Roommate is brave enough to jump into the fray with my insane family. I've already fitted him with a helmet and a false tooth cap with cyanide in it. He'll get to see where I get it from.

FIRST COURSE
Most people don't eat until 3 or 4. Not my family. The time is always set by my uncle at 1 pm. Invariably, at 12:30, he calls to tell us that the shrimp cocktail is out and we'd better get there before he eats them all. As soon as we get in the door we begin eating the appetizers. That lasts for about 45 minutes.

REST PERIOD 1
We all then lug ourselves to the family room. In years past, we had to watch my uncle's old tv that was so shot that the entire picture was opposite colors. For instance, a football field was purple and the sky was green, sometimes pink. You were never quite sure what team you were watching because the colors were so far gone. The TV was like that for years but then he decided to buy a huge 60" HD TV to finally replace it. Unfortunately, he's technologically retarded. He has this top of the line TV, but didn't hook up the HD to it because it meant he would have to have another remote to figure out. However, it's much better than it was. We rest for about 20 minutes to digest the 15 pounds of appetizers that we have each eaten.

MAIN COURSE 1
After the twenty minute respite, we lumber into the dining room for the first go round at the turkey. We load up our plates with obscene amounts of food from the 15 different dishes that are available. My uncle keeps score of who takes the most food and then makes fun of that person. Not much conversation takes place because everyone is gorging so much. Gradually, people drop out of the who-can-eat-the-most race and watch the remaining competitors. It usually comes down to my uncle and I, but I have taken the title for several years now.

REST PERIOD 2
Now we roll ourselves out of the dining room and fight for a seat on the furniture. It sucks to get beat out and have to sit on the floor. Most of us fall asleep while my grandmother rambles on about how her friends worship her. This lasts for about an hour.

DESSERT
Coffee is brewed and the 14 pies come out. We go back into the dining room and load up on 2-3 slices of pie and cheesecake. My grandmother continually makes comments of how it all just "melts in your mouth." At this point, there's a bit more conversation so we begin to bring up old family stories, such as mocking my uncle about his gay roommate Leon from college. These stories are too bizarre to try to explain, so I'll just leave it to your imagination.

REST PERIOD 3
Once again, we rest because our intestines are now crying from the amount of food shoved into them.

MAIN COURSE 2
A few brave souls now ignore the pained cries of their internal organs and head back to kitchen. The turkey and trimmings are scavenged as if they were attacked by a pack of African wild dogs. The party then breaks up and the families go home.

MAIN COURSE 3
When we get home, my mother usually has made another turkey which we slice up just for sandwiches. We have 2-3 more sandwiches before we black out. Sweet dark silence . . .

DAMN, I'M THANKFUL.

Bad Day

So you go out and get hammered. You make it home and you're very proud that you didn't "break the seal." You pass out an dream about swimming in warm tropical waters with beautiful women. Then you wake up and realized that you've wet the bed with the force of 10 fire engines. Well, you've gotta dry that bad boy. There's no better way to do that than with fire, right?

This story reminds me of what can happen if you have a night of partying like Anonymous Roommate 2 had this weekend. At least he didn't burn the place down, but I'm sure he had the potential to do it.

ROCK!!

Your Band Name is:

The Bald Hussies

Band Name Generator

Damn right

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

My 1920's name

Your 1920's Name is:

Denver Americo

What's Your 1920's Name?

Make yourself more irrelevant

Dear Jesse Jackson:

I guess since Johnny Cochran is dead, TO went looking for another outrageous black man to speak on his behalf. Where did he go? To you, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. I'm assuming that you are deeply angered at how the Eagles are treating TO. You're just amazing. Why the F are you involving yourself with TO? I mean really, did you just have nothing to do at home? Did you beat Madden '06 and wanted more football in an altered reality? My guess is that you just finished your weekly sermon early and felt that he needed to stand up for a poor beleaguered brotha. A man that couldn't speak for himself and was so downtrodden that he was in desperate need of the good Reverend's help. No Jesse, don't go help homeless people or anyone that actually needs it. Help an obnoxious, destructive and self absorbed guy who gets paid millions of dollars to catch a fucking football.

And why are you a still Reverend? Exactly what time is your church service this Sunday? Ohhhh, that's right, all you do is go around the country and jump into any black scandal to get your oddly shaped face on TV - because that's what God wants you to do. No, that's alright, don't help someone who needs it. You are a joke and any self respecting African American should not want anything to do with you. You and TO should exchange theories on obnoxious self-promotion and then maybe form a cult.

Peace Be With You,
The Cap'n

Cowboys and Indians

Okay, it was actually Raiders and Broncos, but who cares? This past Sunday's game between Oakland and Denver was broadcast in Navajo Indian! Are you serious? Who speaks Navajo and happens to be a Raiders fan? This makes me want to rip my face off. Can we be more politically correct? Perhaps we should start by making Washington change their name from the Redskins to the Drunken Injuns. Actually, you know what would be the best thing? If all football announcers (Merrel Reese aside) broadcast the games in sign language so I don't have to listen to their insufferable and retarded banter during the entire game.

Pink Power

The University of Iowa is amazing. Okay, it's not really that amazing. In fact, I'm not sure if anything in Iowa is amazing. But they do have something fantastic at their football stadium. Their visitor's locker room is entirely pink. Carpet, walls, lockers, even toilets - all pretty in pink. To me, this is brilliant psych-out technique to use on other teams. The locker room has incorporated pink in some manner for decades, but this past off season, they decided to make it more pink. Now there is nothing in that room that is not adorned in a shade of light rose. Well, this is just causing a huge fuss. ESPN.com reports that "Critics [angry lesbians] say the use of pink demeans women, perpetuates offensive stereotypes about women and homosexuality, and puts the university in the uncomfortable position of tacitly supporting those messages." NO IT DOESN'T. They didn't put it up so that a visiting team will walk and suddenly feel masoginistic or have a strong desire to oppress gay people. I can guarantee you that doesn't happen. Football teams feel that already - long before they ever suit up in a pink locker room. The point is that a team will walk in and say "what the fuck?!?!?" It gets in their heads. It's a distraction. It's simply brilliant.

The best defense that the football team could proffer would be to say that the pink is meant to show support for breast cancer research. They're not trying to demean women, they're trying to help women. Seriously, they could probably pull this off because there are so many pieces of crap that are pink for breast cancer - from kitchen blenders to christmas ornaments.

This brings me to my final point. Why is there so much support for breast cancer? I mean, it's terrible and all, but why can't there be support for testicular cancer? It's just as cancerous as breast cancer and kills lots of men. Why can't men have their own month and pretty ribbons? Hmmmm? Ahh, I get it. We don't have it because all women are trying to keep men down and perpetuate unreasonable male stereotypes. You know what? Screw you and your pink boob ribbons. Our jewels are necessary for procreation and we don't get shit. God, I feel so oppressed. I think I'm going to go and protest something.

I knew it!

After many years of research, someone else ended up proving my theory that black people love us. Damn, that was going to be my first novel. Oh well.

WTF?

Corporations Professor Dean John Beckerman on an ad from the Wall Street Journal regarding a corporate proxy fight:

"This encompasses everything except running around at night in rubber underwear and having sex with five year olds."

That's the kind of corporation I need to work for.